21. Developing Confidence in Yourself

What if you could redefine confidence? What if it isn't anchored on others' perceptions or approval, but instead, it's rooted in your own self-worth?

Genuine confidence equates to acceptance of oneself, independent of others' approval. Let's redefine confidence together - not as a trait validated by others, but a personal journey, disconnecting outcomes from our self-worth.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:22

Hey y'all, welcome back to another episode of Whatever with Heather. Today we're back. We were off last week for Thanksgiving and now we are back chatting about whatever. In the past, I've asked you, my audience, what would you like to learn? Or, if you wanted to hear me talk about anything, what would it be? And one of the things that came up the most frequently was how to be confident. This actually blew me away, because at the time, and maybe even still now, I didn't and don't view myself as the most confident person. I wouldn't think that I exuded confidence, I just was me. I got lots of compliments for being authentic, but I was surprised when people also viewed me as confident.

Speaker 1: 1:11

Back in high school, many years ago, I heard a quote on what confidence was, and back then this felt true. So let me tell it to you. It was something along the lines of confidence is knowing you're better than half the people in the room. So if you felt like you were better than, or more liked than, half the people in the room, then it was easy to be confident. And if you felt like you weren't, it was hard to be confident. And with my high school frame the amount of years I had lived and understood. This seemed to make sense to me because it was easy for me to go into spaces where I felt comfortable. I felt like I knew people, I felt like I was well liked. And really hard to go into spaces where I didn't know people. Hard to be confident, hard to shine, hard to be myself I would really shut down. And this is how I understood confidence through high school and pretty much through college as well, as if I felt liked by the people in the room, it was easier to act confident.

Speaker 1: 2:15

Now, based on the feedback of people throughout my life, I guess I have seemed pretty confident no matter what. But from my perception I was not confident nor comfortable in many situations. But recently, in the current phase of my life, I've reframed confidence and this quote puts it in better words than I can. It says confidence is not they will like me. Confidence is I'll be fine if they don't. So therefore, confidence is not I know they will like me. But confidence is not putting weight or your self worth into if they don't.

Speaker 1: 3:00

Confidence is learning how to not be defined by other people's perceptions of you. I would define cockiness as not being defined by other people's perceptions of you and not caring how you make other people feel. But confidence is not worrying about other people's perceptions of you, not letting that change your self worth and you can still be considerate and aware of other people's pains and hurts that you may cause, intentionally or unintentionally. Confidence is this I don't care what they think about me, nor do I care about any feedback, nor do I care to grow, nor do I care to evolve. I'm good enough as I am. And confidence you can be confident and still believe you have room for growth and still believe you're not perfect and still know that sometimes you will rub people the wrong way. Confidence is not letting your worth change, not letting your perception of your value change based on the opinions of other people. This is why you can be confident in a decision you make where other people don't understand it.

Speaker 1: 4:16

Oftentimes, when we view someone as confident and we want more of that and I share this because people say I come across as confident. All I'm really doing is living my life and trusting I'll be okay, even if I go to this thing and no one likes me, even if I organize this event and no one signs up, even if I post this content and no one cares. Confidence appears to be someone just knowing things are going to be fine, when really confidence is often just someone trusting that even if it's not perfect or ideal, the things will be okay anyway. It's easier to be confident when the outcomes of you putting yourself out there are outcomes that you disconnect from your self-worth. So if I go to a social event and it appears that nobody likes me and I feel alone the whole time, the outcome was I felt isolated, I felt alone, I felt like no one liked me. That seems to be the outcome and I can take that outcome and tie it to my self-worth and make it true Nobody liked me, no one wanted to get to know me. I must not be likable, I must not be friendly enough, or I can just take that outcome and not tie it to my worth. Maybe other people were shy. Maybe other people were scared to reach out first. Did I say hi to anyone first or was I expecting everyone to say hi to me first? Maybe everyone else was really shy and they were just comfortable talking to who they were talking to. Maybe no one knew I was new, because they were all new too to that social group. I've had that happen multiple times, where my perception of other people's unfriendliness or that they don't like me actually was that they were also new and didn't know anyone.

Speaker 1: 6:10

You can see through this that the outcome and our perception of things are not always reality. Confidence comes in knowing I don't have to tie my worth to the outcome of an event, to the outcome of a social experience or social interaction, that my worth and being are not tied to that, and so it comes across as being confident. Confidence is not a knowing. Confidence is the ability to not tie who you are, what you deserve, your worth, to the outcome of whatever it is. Then how do we practice confidence? How do we practice this Confidence may be going to a social situation where you don't know anyone or know very few people, and observing and realizing the people that aren't saying hi to you you also maybe didn't say hi to. Confidence is realizing that you're just as responsible for meeting new people as new people are for meeting you. When it comes to social things, confidence is, if I put myself out there and talk to this person and they maybe don't want to talk to me, it's knowing that has nothing to do with you or your worth or your value. All of these things come across as confident.

Speaker 1: 7:28

Confidence is making a decision for your life. Maybe you're adding something into your life that you haven't done in the past. Like you decide to try yoga or start an exercise program, or you decide to add in a new friendship group and not worrying about what other people think about your choices, because you're fine if people don't like or understand your choices, because as long as you understand your choices and you like who you're becoming, that's what truly matters, because at the end of your life, only you will know if you became who you wanted to, if you acted how you wanted to, if you grew the way you wanted to, or if you just stayed the same, on and on. Another thing of confidence is letting go of things, knowing that through the loss or the letting go, you'll be okay. You'll be fine if other people don't accept it. You'll be fine if you Change your belief about something. You'll be fine if you cut out a substance that you no longer want to participate in. You'll be fine if you walk away from Relationships that are causing harm. Confidence is not thinking they will like this decision. They will like when I stopped doing XYZ, or they will like when I add an XYZ. It's not worrying about if they like it at all, it's knowing you'll be fine. It's knowing that if you're moving confidently towards who you want to become, that's what matters.

Speaker 1: 9:02

Then what would be the opposite of confidence, opposite of confidence you can kind of think of as deer in the headlights. What is that? What is that? What is that? What's that reaction? What are they doing? What do they think about this? Is this constant like look and stare, Freeze, make no moves because you're fearful of what's next? What if I go to this party? There's nobody there. So then you act really shy and scared. What if I do this thing and people don't like it and you're so worried about the outcome? Then you appear frantic, you appear fearful, you appear and feel as though you're not confident in your decisions.

Speaker 1: 9:39

The opposite of confidence would be a lot of doubt, a lot of self doubt, and your ability to do or become or act or gain friends or Navigate your life should be a lot of doubt about it, a lot of looking around and evaluating how other people feel about your life. Confidence is looking at your life and evaluating how you feel about your life and being willing to make the hard choices, and Sometimes the necessary choices, to become who you want to become, to be the person you imagine Yourself to be, and to not keep looking around frantically and what everyone else thinks of that. It's that I make a choice and then I move forward, and then I make a choice and then I move forward. It's okay to step forward without being a hundred percent clear and then reevaluate and then take another step.

Speaker 1: 10:30

I actually had a conversation with someone today. We were talking about, like the vision of your life or your business or your relationship with your kids, or this vision of your contribution to the world, and you can picture it Like you, if you do the work, you'll be able to picture and envision Future you, your future business, your future relationships. You can put yourself there and that's because it's real, like it could exist. Just like I live just north of Austin Texas, I know Austin Texas is there and I know that if I were to just start walking, I would eventually get there. Confidence is knowing Austin Texas is there and that if you just start walking, you will eventually get there and it might take you a while, but you know it's there.

Speaker 1: 11:22

Confidence is a trust that if I continue walking, I'll reach my goal. Confidence is seeing the vision and then being brave enough to move towards it, even though it might take a long time. Confidence is forgiving yourself for everything in your past that isn't aligned with your future, because your past was part of the path that got you to the exact point you are. Confidence is seeing your goal and Starting to walk and not worrying that it says 61 miles to Austin, texas. You're not worried about how long that takes you because you know it's there. Confidence is stepping into your next self and Knowing it will be okay, even if other people don't like when you change and grow. Just to share the quote one more time. It says confidence is not they will like me. Confidence is I'll be fine if they don't and I'll see y'all next week on whatever, with Heather Bye y'all.