25. Silencing Your Inner Critic: Developing a Kind Inner Voice

Have you ever been caught in a tug-of-war between the nagging critic in your head and the voice that cheers for your every step? This week on let's chat about our inner voice. From recognizing the 'mean girl' or 'mean guy' who's quick to remind us of our flaws, to embracing the 'cheerleader' or 'coach' who celebrates our wins, we dissect the origins of these contrasting voices and reveal how they can shape our self-perception.

Join me as I recount my personal transformation from a self-critic to a self-supporter, showing listeners that it's possible to shift the narrative and turn that internal adversary into your greatest ally. We'll explore how adopting a compassionate internal voice not merely changes how we view ourselves, but also sets a powerful example for those around us.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:22

Alright, welcome back to another episode of Whatever with Heather. Today, we're talking about how to cultivate one of your greatest powers, which is the voice in your head, the thoughts you play on repeat, the sound bites that play, the voice that is like I don't want to do this or we really need to do this. The voice that holds you back and the voice that cheers you on. We're going to talk about that voice today and how to cultivate a more supportive inner voice. First, we're going to talk about why your inner voice is the way it is. If you have an inner voice that is not super supportive, if you have an inner voice that isn't very nice, if you have an inner voice that holds you back more than it calls you forward or pushes you forward, a voice that doubts you more than it believes in you. We're going to talk about why that is how that happened, and then what we can do to start to shift our voice to a kind inner voice. When I teach this this is the way I teach it First I don't teach that you just have one voice in your head, and sometimes it's nice and sometimes it's mean. Instead, I teach that you have at least but for today's purposes. Two voices in your head. And before you're like, hey, heather, multiple voices in your head, like that's a problem, let me prove to you that you have two separate voices, and this is what it might be like. You might wake up in the morning and have big intentions to getting up early and doing some things that you know support you. Maybe it's journaling, meditating. Maybe you want to just wake up early before your kids so that you can have time to yourself. Maybe you want to wake up and work out. And so you wake up early in the morning and part of you right one voice is like oh, let's just go back to bed, just go back to bed. And the other part of view is come on, it's time to wake up, let's just wake up. And then the other voice is like no, let's just go back to bed. To me, this feels like two separate parts of me and probably feels like two separate parts of you. There's no, I don't want to, but I really need to, and I would really like to. Oh, but I'd love to sleep in. Oh, but I really want to work out, or I really want this time for myself. I really want to prove I can do this? Where is this push and pull in your head that is happening, this dialogue between these two voices? You can kind of think of it as like the angel and the devil on your shoulder, right from the old childhood cartoons where it's like, oh, please, save the puppy, and then the devil's like no, don't save the puppy, whatever, whatever. I don't know why. That's the example that came to me. I think it was some like from uh, I actually think that was from Pluto Pluto needing to save a kitty, and the angels like save the kitty. And the devil's like don't save the kitty. All right, so we have these push and pull voices. That's a very random example, but you get the point right.

Speaker 1: 3:19

There are two main narrators in your head that are speaking at any time. The one voice is the mean girl. This is your not very nice inner voice. Another word for this could be the B word. Now, I'm not going to curse in this podcast, because I feel like if you have kids, this is something they deal with too. So just know that we can title this voice the mean girl voice or the mean guy voice.

Speaker 1: 3:46

And then we have our other voice and that is our cheerleader or coach. That is the voice that's like okay, it's time to get up, we're gonna get up, all right. So these are your voices the mean girl and the cheerleader, slash coach voice. Now, both of these voices want to have a say in your life. And why do I illustrate this with two separate voices? Besides that, sometimes they talk at the same time. The reason it is helpful to envision these voices as separate is because your power lies in who you give the microphone. If you can imagine for a second, both of these voices are talking and there's only one microphone and it just is getting pulled back and forth and back and forth. Which voice in your life do you allow to have the microphone? Or which voice in your life is currently taking up the most talking time? Who has the microphone the most? The mean girl or your cheerleader, your coach? Which voice are you giving the microphone? Which voice is taking the microphone? Which voice is speaking the most and the loudest?

Speaker 1: 4:49

Let's talk about the mean girl voice. This voice tells you how you're failing. This is the voice of other people that plays in your head. You may hear the mean girl voice as sound bites that you picked up from peers, friends, family members, leaders, teachers throughout your life of who you are, who you aren't, what you can do, what you can't do, what you should do, what you shouldn't do. These sound bites that you have taken on as true the mean girl voice may be the voice of other people, and oftentimes it is the mean girl voice are the shoulds of life. You should do this, you should do that. The mean girl voice sounds like shame on you or is very guilt. Heavy blame, heavy shame, heavy Shame, blame and guilt come from the mean girl voice. Having the microphone, the mean girl voice tells you that failing means you are a failure, and the mean girl voice talks you into a downward spiral, meaning that you might be in an okay state. The mean girl voice says something and you allow that to spiral, so that might look like a bad moment in your day. Spiraling into that your whole day is bad, or a bad interaction with a friend. Spiraling into that you have no friends. Now let's talk about the cheerleader and coach voice. This voice tells you how you're succeeding. This is the voice of your highest self.

Speaker 1: 6:13

I also like to think of this as your really young childhood self. When you were little, there was probably some point in your life where you were like, look at me, watch what I can do. Ooh, I want to do this with my life. I want to try this. I'm gonna try wearing this. And you wanted to do the things you loved. You felt excited for things you could be or become, and you didn't mind whether it was what everyone else wanted you to do. You became trained as to what was socially acceptable and what wasn't. But this cheerleader voice is your highest self, the part of you that knows everything. You can be mixed a little bit with younger you, the last version of you that fully believed in yourself and that could be at a very young age, that last version of you that just fully was ready to show up in the world and show people what you had.

Speaker 1: 7:08

The cheerleader coach voice talks about your goals, dreams, ideas, your potential. This voice finds solutions to problems. We sometimes might see the cheerleader persona as one who is avoiding problems or overriding emotions or not allowed to be upset, but that is not the case. The cheerleader coach voice experiences all of those and finds solutions to problems. They don't ignore problems or override problems. They find solutions to problems. The cheerleader coach voice inside of you believes that failing is part of learning, as opposed to that failing means you're a failure. They just view failure as part of the journey. It's part of learning, it's part of trying new things and failure is okay and failing doesn't mean you are a failure. And the cheerleader coach voice helps you stop the downward spiral. So if something difficult happens in your day or you have a thought that would normally get you to spiral into how terrible things are or what a bad person you are, the cheerleader coach voice notices that and pauses. It either stops the spiral or begins an upward spiral of positive self-talk. But even just stopping the downward spiral is one of the skills of this cheerleader coach voice you have, like the just take a breath, it's not as bad as it seems, or let's just step away for a little bit. The cheerleader coach voice doesn't try to override your feelings, doesn't try to shut them down, but instead is okay, just putting pause on this downward spiral that may happen consistently in your life.

Speaker 1: 8:44

This illustration of these two separate voices your mean girl voice and your cheerleader slash inner coach voice is important because it's not this one voice that morphs into one or the other. It is two separate voices that sometimes argue, which for me, feels really real In my brain. I am sometimes arguing on I wanna do this, I should do this, I need to do this, I have to do this. I really would feel fulfilled doing this, but blah, blah, blah. This arguing happens with these two voices and they are both present at all times, meaning there is no point in your life in which you will achieve only the cheerleader coach voice. There is no point in your life in which the mean girl voice is not there. So then what do we do with that? If the mean girl voice is always there, then the most important question we can ask ourselves when it comes to our inner voice is which one am I giving the microphone? Which one am I gonna give airtime? Which one am I gonna allow to be louder? Which one am I going to allow to speak? A microphone magnifies one voice.

Speaker 1: 9:49

Now, if you feel like you don't have much of a inner cheerleader, inner coach voice, it's probably because you've given the mingrel voice so much airtime that she doesn't stop talking and you've given your inner cheerleader coach voice no airtime so she doesn't speak up. Taking ownership is saying I get to choose who I give the microphone to. I get to choose who I allow to speak more. It is not searching for a sense of perfection and removing the mingrel voice from your life. She will be there and with that same understanding, we know that the coach, inner cheerleader, that voice, is also always there. The question is who are you giving the microphone to? Who will you give the microphone to? Which voice do you want to allow to learn to speak more? Which voice do you want to allow the platform to speak more clearly and consistently in your life? I invite you today, for the rest of this day or, if this is at the end of the day, even tomorrow or this evening, notice which voice is being the loudest.

Speaker 1: 11:04

This isn't about never saying a mean thing to yourself again. It's knowing that that voice will pop up and understanding and knowing that you can shift the microphone. That mingrel voice. She'll always be there. Like I said, this is not about getting rid of her. It's about owning that you have the power to shift what voice you're allowing to take control of your life. To like.

Speaker 1: 11:29

Explore this little further. You can ask are the things I'm saying to myself coming from a place of support and love or a place of shame, blaming guilt? And also ask what kind of inner voice do I want to cultivate? That's the voice you need to allow practicing to speak. Why does any of this matter? Why does your inner voice matter? Because our inner narrative is the only voice that is with us all of the time. This back and forth, this mean girl voice, this inner cheerleader voice, and just the thoughts you have in your head. You yourself, your thoughts, are the only thing that is with you always. The thoughts in our heads are the one thing that have been with us our entire life and will be with us for the remainder of our life, from our first actual thought whenever that was, to our death.

Speaker 1: 12:22

This inner dialogue, narration, understanding, voice in your head, situation going on, is the only thing that's with you all the time. It shapes a lot of how we feel, what we do and how we navigate life. Our inner voice therefore becomes our biggest ally or our biggest enemy. It's like you get to pick one person to be on your team always, because your inner voice is with you always. What kind of teammate do you want? What kind of support system do you want? Our inner voice will push us forward or hold us back.

Speaker 1: 12:57

It's powerful and our power is that we get to choose what that voice says, which voice we allow to talk, which voice we allow to be the undercurrent of our life. Your inner voice is determining so much of what you're doing day to day, so much of what you're not doing day to day. Your inner voice determines how you perceive other people, how you perceive yourself, how you perceive relationships, how you perceive your capabilities, how you perceive your potential, your dreams, your ideas, your goals. Are they attainable, are they not? Are they worthy, are they not? Are you worthy, are you not? It's all based on what your inner voice is telling you. It's so powerful. We get to choose, to pick, to have an ally or enemy with us at all times.

Speaker 1: 13:43

Imagine if, through your teen years, you knew how to speak to yourself kindly, to find solutions to your problems, like a coach does. In a future episode, we'll talk about coaching yourself through life, how to be a good coach for you, and in doing that you'll be able to further the value of your inner voice at being a cheerleader that cheers you on and a voice that coaches you forward. I invite you, over the next few days, to start to notice what voice is talking, to start to decide on purpose, to make a choice on which voice you're going to give the microphone. What are you going to do when you notice the mean girl talking so loudly? What are you going to do when you start to notice yourself allowing the mean girl to speak in a way that sends you into a downward spiral? How are you going to allow the cheerleader, coach voice inside of you to speak up more? How are you going to give it more space to speak?

Speaker 1: 14:38

And know that as you do this, as you start to shift the microphone, it might feel odd because the narrative that you're allowing, the narrative that has been on replay, this mean voice that does not have your best interest at heart, that does not have your personal growth in mind, that does not see your best self, that shames, blames and guilt you forward, that voice may have become comfortable and it may feel off to speak to yourself kindly. It may feel weird, it may feel like a lie, especially if the mean girl voice has been the constant in your life. And then you speak kindly to yourself. This is the opposite of what you've been saying and so the opposite of what you've been telling yourself is not going to feel true. But as you begin to shift the microphone, as you begin to shift to that space, as you begin to give your cheerleader, coach voice the microphone, things will shift. You will start to feel more comfortable. You will start to feel more at home, at peace, in allowing yourself to speak kindly to yourself.

Speaker 1: 15:45

I don't know this because I've only ever spoken kindly to myself. I know this because I used to only let the mean girl talk. I thought that my only way to motivate myself forward, or the only way for me to perceive myself correctly or in a real light, was to let the mean girl voice speak at all times and I would hear little whisperings or little thoughts from this kind inner voice and that felt wrong. It felt like, no, that's not how I speak to myself, no, that's not how I move myself forward.

Speaker 1: 16:22

But I'm here to tell you, as someone who really only had the mean girl voice speaking and has worked for years to shift to a kind inner voice, that as you build and cultivate this kinder inner voice, this cheerleader, this coach, you will know what an enemy you have built for yourself by allowing the mean girl voice so much control over your life.

Speaker 1: 16:48

You will begin to understand you could have had an ally for yourself by allowing your kind, cheerleader, coach, inner voice to speak, you'll realize you could have had an ally and then you'll realize that you've built an ally in yourself in the way you know how to coach and cheer yourself forward and grow from that place versus from the mean girl voice. And on top of that, if you are a parent or you have people around you that you love friends or family, even people you work with as you begin to speak to yourself kindly, you allow others to do the same as well. The next good part of life comes from cultivating this inner cheerleader coach voice, from giving her the microphone. I invite you to allow the cheerleader coach voice to have the microphone again and I'll see you next week on Whatever, with Heather Bye.