32. Building Trust: How to Teach Your Kids to Earn and Navigate It

Learn how to teach your children to navigate trust... how to build it, and why it's really hard when you break it.

Learn:

• How trust is different.
• What happens when trust is broken.
• How our love for our children is the same, but our trust may be different.
• How to teach trust to your children.
  • Trust levels are different for different things.
  • If they want trust, then they have to BUILD trust.
  • Trust is built by CONSISTENT actions that show you are trustworthy.
  • If you don’t build trust, or destroy trust in one area, you will have to work to re-build that trust. And it will be harder to re-build each time (like bricks for a house, the first time they come in a nice stack, but re-building if the house is knocked over is more work).
  • If one child builds trust... And one doesn’t. There will be different privileges given to different children. 
• Teaching Your Children: We don’t expect you to be perfect. But we do expect you to be honest. 
  • You will make mistakes. Own it (teaching ownership while young).
  • If you lie or are dishonest about something, remember that you are choosing to destroy trust. Trust that you will have to re-build.

Transcript

Speaker 0: 0:22

Hey y'all, welcome back to another episode of Whatever with Heather. Today we're talking about trust and, more specifically, how to teach what trust is and how to build trust to your children when you start a new relationship with anybody. We build relationships with people brick by brick these moments, these good things and if the person hurts us, it might remove a brick. Or if we have a really negative encounter with that person, it might remove a brick these moments, these good things and if the person hurts us, it might remove a brick. Or if we have a really negative encounter with that person, it might remove a brick.

Speaker 0: 0:52

But trust is different. Trust is also built, but trust is destroyed and taken away in a much different way than other parts of a relationship. As you build trust with somebody and then they betray your trust, it doesn't just remove a brick or a block from this trust tower you've built. It destroys the whole tower. Trust isn't built and then slowly taken away from. Trust is built and then destroyed, and I can prove this in that you have friends or you have people in your family, you have people you have relationships with and some you like, but you don't really trust with your secrets or trust to share deeper things about you, but you enjoy their company. They are your friend, but maybe they're not your most trustworthy friend. And then you have other people that you trust deeply. Trust is a separate piece in the relationships we're building, and it's no different with our children and with us. We build trust with our children and they build trust with us. As parents, we're constantly building relationships with our kids and those towers grow and grow and we love our children deeply because of all the moments we've had together, because of all the good things, and even when things are bad like those, relationships continue to grow.

Speaker 0: 2:08

But with trust it's different and although our love for our children is probably great and equal for each child, our trust of each child varies. We can take something as simple as cooking on a stove. There are some children in your family that may have built the trust with you that they can cook on a stove unsupervised, and there are some children that have not built that trust yet. Either they're too young or you've tried to let them cook on the stove and they keep being forgetful or not paying attention. The trust levels are different for different things, with our children as well, and a lot of parenting seems to be this uncooperative desire that things be really equal for our children. And yes, we want to give our children attention that feels equal. We want to give them love that feels equal. We want to give them opportunities that feel equal. That way, as we're building relationships and they are growing into humans, they have been nurtured and cared for in the ways they deserve. But trust is different. Trust is very different.

Speaker 0: 3:15

As your children are growing up, they are either building trust with you, meaning you trust them, or they are not. And trust is built in different things. For instance, the cooking on a stove, example. Some of your children you may trust to do that, that, and some not yet, and some you're worried you may not ever be able to trust to do that. We have different levels of trust for different things. You may be like, hey, I trust you to cook on your own, but I don't trust you to do your chores if you watch TV first. Or your children may get to the point where you do trust them to be home alone and make smart choices, but maybe you don't trust them to go out with certain friends alone. And maybe you have children that you trust to tell the truth and be honest and you may have children that you don't Trust is a huge part of our relationships with our children.

Speaker 0: 4:08

It's one part that is varied for each child, so how do we teach this to our children? When things seem unfair or someone else gets privileges that one doesn't Trust is an important thing to teach your children so that they understand how to build trust and how to break trust, so that they understand that when there are different privileges for different children, that they know why it is irresponsible to let a child cook on the stove that you know you can't trust to cook on the stove. That translates into other things too. It is irresponsible to trust a child to go out with friends. That has proven they can't be trusted to go out with friends. But it's also not fair that no children, even the ones that built trust, don't get to go out with friends In the name of being equal, like we have done in so much of our parenting.

Speaker 0: 5:03

Trust is different. Trust is a deep part of every relationship we're in, and it's either there or it's not. Or it's there for some things and it's not for others, and so, as parents, since we're giving out love and opportunities and time and attention as equally as we can. It feels as though we should be giving out trust as equally as we can, but trust is very different. How do we teach that to our children, that trust is different? How do we reconcile that as parents that trust is different?

Speaker 0: 5:31

We can take the cooking example again, in that some children have proven they can cook without supervision and some have not. Some have earned that trust and some have not. The privilege of cooking food unsupervised is built with trust. This example goes forward into hanging out with friends, cell phone usage and more as our children become older. So the foundation we set in teaching our children trust at a young age serves them and us as parents later, when it comes time to begin to trust them with higher stakes, higher consequence activities. So how do we teach this to our children then? So many parts of their childhood and of our parenting we try to make really equal, but trust is different. How do we teach that and how do we parent in a way that that makes sense?

Speaker 0: 6:27

First, we teach our children that trust is different for different things. I trust you to be home alone. I trust you to cook on the stove. I trust you to use the microwave or I trust you to use your cell phone correctly. All of these different things are different areas of trust and there are going to be different levels of trust for different kids. Therefore, the privileges that one kid has are going to be different from the privileges that another kid has and are going to evolve throughout their life based on the trust that is built or broken.

Speaker 0: 6:56

We teach our children that if they want trust, they have to build trust, and as parents, we have to make sure they have opportunities to build trust. So how do they build trust? We teach our children that we build trust by consistent actions that prove you are trustworthy in whatever area is in question. And with that we also teach that if you don't build trust in one area or, even worse, destroy trust in one area, you have to work to rebuild that, and the rebuilding is harder than the initial building Once trust is broken. Imagine a block tower and you have all your blocks all organized and you're slowly building trust, and then all of a sudden, trust is broken. The tower is knocked down because now trust is being broken. It's not removing one block, it destroys trust in that area. Now the blocks are scattered around the room. Now it takes more time and intention to build. It's more challenging than the first time.

Speaker 0: 8:01

The other important thing to teach our children is that if one child builds trust and one doesn't build trust or destroys trust, there will be different privileges given to different children. It would be irresponsible to let the kid cook on a stove unsupervised who has proven that that is dangerous for them, and it would also be unfair to not let the child that is proven they can handle it do that and work on that skill and build further trust just because one child has proven they can't right now. So then this moves forward into relationships with peers, especially in the teenage years. You may have one child who has proven that they are untrustworthy when it comes to their relationships with their peers. Maybe you can't trust them to be where they say they are, or they are breaking cell phone rules, whatever it might be. They are destroying trust with you in their ability to appropriately handle peer relationships. But then you have another child who has proven to be trustworthy again and again and again. Should both children not be allowed to hang out with peers because one is untrustworthy and one has built trust out with peers, because one is untrustworthy and one has built trust.

Speaker 0: 9:15

This is where our parenting diverges in privileges and in what feels like equality. But the equality is in that you expect all children to build trust and you know that they are all capable of building trust and if they choose to build or not build trust, that's on them, and then the consequences fall in what they have built or not built or destroyed, and the privileges are in what they have built. This allows you to trust the children that have proven to be trustworthy and to work to build trust with the children who are struggling in that area, and then your children can trust you that, when they have built trust, that that is something you value and there are privileges and trust that comes along with the trust they have built. A simple way to begin to teach trust would be if you always leave the stove on when you're done cooking, can we trust you to cook alone? No, you can't. You cannot trust them to cook alone. And then you would teach if your sister always turns off the stove when she's done cooking, is it fair that she's not allowed to cook because you're not? No, that's not fair. That one child isn't allowed to use the trust they've built.

Speaker 0: 10:29

We teach that different trust levels equal different privileges, and that these trust levels are dependent on your behaviors, actions and choices. That is where their responsibility lies in their behaviors, actions and choices and our responsibility as parents is to trust where trust has been earned and to work and to build trust where trust has been broken and give opportunities to build trust. But it's irresponsible to just trust someone who has been proven to be untrustworthy and therefore put them in unsafe, unhealthy situations at home with peers, so on. The last bit when teaching your children about trust is this, and this is very important, because it can feel like we are expecting perfection and that trust can never be broken. But sometimes people mess up. People actually mess up a lot, and so teach your children that we don't expect you to be perfect, but we do expect you to be honest. You will not always have perfect actions and sometimes you will make mistakes and sometimes you will make bad choices. The choice, then, is in the honesty that you have about those choices, those decisions, those mistakes. We teach our children that you will make mistakes. Own it, own your mistakes. Teaching ownership while they're young is huge, because ownership is a huge foundation for trust. It's a huge foundation for integrity. It's a huge foundation for just moving your life forward and not blaming other people, and recognizing where you have space to grow. And with this, teaching that we don't expect you to be perfect, but we do expect you to be honest. It then follows that if you lie or are dishonest about something, you are choosing to destroy trust. And if you choose to destroy trust, then the trust is something you will have to rebuild.

Speaker 0: 12:30

Teaching children about trust from a young age allows you to set the stage for the higher stakes parts of life. It allows you to extend trust where trust has been earned and it allows you to work to build trust where trust has been not built or destroyed. It allows you, as the parent, to extend privileges and opportunities to your children that have proven to be trustworthy and it allows you, as the parent, to extend safety and boundaries to the children that have proven to be untrustworthy. With the opportunity to grow trust always being there In our adult lives, trust can just be destroyed completely and sometimes never rebuilt. As parents, our children grow and they fail and they achieve and they make mistakes. This is part of growth. This is part of childhood.

Speaker 0: 13:23

We continually allow opportunities to build trust and rebuild trust with the children, understanding that rebuilding trust will take time and you as the parent get to decide when that trust has been rebuilt. You, as the parent, get to decide how to extend opportunities for them to build trust in the areas in which they have not built or destroyed trust. And then it also allows you for the children that have worked hard to build trust to be honest people. It allows them the opportunity to see that being honest and trustworthy pays off. And it allows your children who have not built trust the ownership of their decisions, costing them privileges and opportunities. It is not you being mean to them. It is the choices they have made that have set them up to not have the privileges that they want, and they can also learn how to build that.

Speaker 0: 14:28

Teaching trust to your children at a young age as young as you can start to explain this really will set the stage for the older years.

Speaker 0: 14:36

And since we set the stage from a young age, they understand that their privileges or lack of privileges are a direct reflection of the trust they have built or not built or broken, and therefore their privileges or lack of privileges are due to their choices and not due to a mean mom and dad, but rather due to the trust they have built or not built, and they know that they can rebuild trust and they know how to do that through consistent, trustworthy actions. It helps your children know that they have some control over whether or not you trust them. They have some control over their actions aligning with what they say they're going to do or with what you have asked them to do. It takes the ownership of their lives into their hands and the privileges or consequences or lack of privileges fall where they may. Thank y'all for being here and I'll see you next time on another episode of Whatever With Heather. Bye, y'all Bye.