Whatever with Heather - Mindset, Parenting & Personal Growth
From mindset, to parenting, to life's ups and downs... nothing is off the table. This podcast is here to encompass the many sides of us all.
Whatever with Heather - Mindset, Parenting & Personal Growth
22. Top 5 Roadblocks and How to Shatter Them...
Here's a hard truth - your journey to self-improvement may be blocked by roadblocks you're not even aware of. We go full throttle on these obstacles, unmasking the damages of negative self-talk, the catastrophic effects of a vague game plan, and the pitfalls of being shackled by the past or an imagined future. We're unraveling these roadblocks and giving you the tools to shatter them.
Don't be a hostage to distractions and excuses. Instead, take the reins of your life and focus on what truly matters. We'll discuss how to break free from this cycle, take ownership of your decisions, and step out of your comfort zone. There's no running from the past or obsessing over the future here - all you have is the present, and it's yours to shape. Tune in, and take the first step to becoming the next level of you.
Hey y'all, welcome back to another episode of Whatever with Heather. Today I'm asking the question what's your problem? So, when people are looking for guidance or coaching or mentorship or even just advice in general maybe they're looking to reach a goal or to improve relationships or to change the way they feel about life we often look at where we want to go and then decide what to do to get there, and that is useful. But it is also necessary for us to look in the here and now and try to figure out what the problem is that is stopping us from getting to this next thing in our lives. Today, I'm going to share with you five main areas that may be your main problem that is stopping you from moving forward into the next version of yourself, the goal you have, the vision you have for your life in the here and now. One of these five things, or multiple of them maybe, what's holding you back? And until we know what the problem is or where the glitch is in our system, so to speak, it can be hard to move towards those goals, because that area will continue to hold us back, sabotage us or actually be the reason we're not moving forward, because we can desire something greatly want something for ourselves health, relationships, money, lifestyle, vision we have for our lives, future, self. We can want that badly and we can know why we want it, and some people will just teach know your why and then you can go forward. This is true. We need to know our why and we need to be able to look at ourselves in the current here and now and see what roadblocks are we setting up or do we have in place for ourselves to move to this next version goal vision we have. So let's chat about the five main areas. What is your main problem Now? Again, you might have multiple, but our goal is to like, look and figure out where is the main roadblock right now in my current life.
Heather Evans:I'm going to share all five roadblocks or problems and then we'll talk about each of them. So the first problem could be negative self-talk or the way you talk to yourself. The second problem could be a lack of a plan. The third problem could be being distracted or unfocused. The fourth problem could be excuses and the fifth problem could be being stuck in the past or fixated on an imagined future. Let's look into each of these.
Heather Evans:The first problem or roadblock you could have is negative self-talk. This could also be rephrased as limiting beliefs. These are beliefs you have about yourself or the world or life in general that are stopping you in your tracks. Let's use a really simple example in maybe you want to be someone who's more patient. That is the vision or goal you have, but your belief is that you are completely impatient.
Heather Evans:You are not a patient person. The belief that you're not a patient person is a roadblock. It's a problem because it stops you from becoming a patient person, and the truth probably is that you have examples of you being impatient, which is why you believe you're not patient. But if you were to zoom out on your life and take a more macro, wide view of your life, I am sure you would be able to find instances of patience. Times where you waited in a line and didn't completely lose it. Times at the grocery store where someone couldn't find what you were looking for and you stayed patient. Times where you waited in parent pickup and didn't throw a fit. Times where you waited for the meal to be cooked, even if it took a long time for you to make it.
Heather Evans:There are instances in your life where you are probably patient and there are instances and examples where you've been impatient. If your goal is to become patient, your belief that you're impatient will keep you being who you believe yourself to be. We don't like to be wrong about things, and so we become, and we look for the things that we believe to be true. So if we believe we're not patient, we're going to continue to act that way in order to prove the truth of this belief we have about ourselves, and we're going to find more examples of us being impatient because we look for proof of the things we believe to be true. This is an example of a limiting belief and negative self-talk. It is not moving you forward to being more patient to keep saying and keep believing that you are not a patient person. What part of your brain and body are going to become more patient if you keep saying you're not patient? Now you may be saying, well, but the belief that I'm not patient is true, but so is the belief that you are sometimes patient. The truth is probably that you're sometimes patient and sometimes impatient, and the goal here becomes to take on the beliefs that help you to become the person you want to become, because the beliefs you have about the person you want to be become true as you believe them to be true, because you will start to prove them true and you will start to find instances of them being true, because we like to prove that what we believe is correct. Also, in this negative self-talk, limiting beliefs can just be straight up negative self-talk. I can't, I won't, I shouldn't, I should, I would, I need to, I have to.
Heather Evans:All of these phrases take the power away from our own lives to steer our ship, to create our path and to walk it. Some of us had coaches or leaders in our lives that tore us down in order to try to help us be better, and so we've internalized some of these phrases in the faulty belief that maybe, if we just are mean enough to ourselves, we'll convince ourselves to change. And the fact probably is that hasn't worked up until this point. Right, or you would have changed. So what if you started working on speaking more kindly to yourself positive self-talk and understanding that, by shifting the way you talk to yourself, it may feel untrue because you've told yourself this for so long?
Heather Evans:Imagine a child being told they're ugly at school and you, as a parent, are trying to tell them no, you're beautiful, you're amazing. But that one person's voice has outruled yours and now has become your child's inner voice. And so every time you tell them that they're beautiful or they're handsome, or they're adorable, they don't believe you and they don't take it on as truth, and the cycle of negative self-talk has begun, and that is the voice that replays over and over, and we do this to ourselves as adults as well. We take negative sound bites that we've heard from other people or we've created in our heads, or we've heard from society, and we take them on and let them replay in our head and let those determine how we show up in the world. So if negative self-talk or limiting beliefs are what is keeping you stuck, is what is your current roadblock, then that is the first thing to fix. How you communicate with yourself is everything, because you are with yourself all the time, so be a good companion for yourself.
Heather Evans:The second problem or roadblock could be a lack of a plan, or we could also rephrase this as unintentional living. So if I want to do, be, become, create this vision, this next level of me, and I have no plan to get there. I don't know what that looks like or actions that need to be taken, so I'm just living my life and hoping I become that someday. Maybe when I have time or when I have more space or when I know what to do, then I'll become that person or reach that goal. Then I'm going to continue to not become that.
Heather Evans:If we don't get on a path, we're not going where that path leads. If we don't step into the unknown, we don't get to new places. Every time we continue to replay the same actions and the same beliefs over and over, we guarantee that we will continue to be in the same places. To go somewhere new, you have to do new things and you have to do it intentionally. Our brains and bodies are set up to go through the path of least resistance and so unless we create a plan, and if we are not living intentionally and we're just letting life pull us through life, we're letting the to-do lists and the expectations and the autopilot of life just pull us through life, life will be happy to do that for us, and it's until we stop and pause and choose something different intentionally, on purpose, that is the time that we actually make changes. So your second problem or roadblock could be a lack of a plan or unintentional living. Get off autopilot and start living intentionally, on purpose and headed where you want to go, and not just the path that you're pulled down or the path of least resistance because it's comfortable, unless you're comfortable being the same you for the rest of time, and if you're comfortable with that, then keep on keeping on. But if you're ready to do something different or be someone different, you have to get on the unknown path. You have to step into what feels like discomfort, but as you walk that path you will begin to become more comfortable, because it was a path you chose and not one that was chosen for you.
Heather Evans:The third problem or roadblock you may face that may be your main problem in moving forward is that you are distracted or unfocused. This can kind of tie into the last one, but it's also completely separate. You could have a plan and try to be very intentional with your day and at the same time be wasting a lot of time and energy on things you don't truly care about. This may look like commitments that you felt obligated to do or you should do, or you felt like you had to do the expectations of others that have piled up on you. This may look like scrolling your phone, where the fact that phones have been set up to be addicting has gotten you and you are addicted. It may look like having loose ends that you haven't tied up. That are just energy leaks, where you know you need to take care of it and it's just draining you.
Heather Evans:Distracted living where I'm constantly looking around and never present is exhausting. And if I'm not present, how can I take a step to where I want to go? Because I'm always somewhere else mentally, my brain is somewhere else all the time and the only place that I can make an actual choice is in the current moment. So if I'm always somewhere else, it's very hard to make actual present choices. So, being distracted and unfocused, maybe your energy is going everywhere you have. You're like an octopus and you have eight high demand things happening and so there's no focus in your life. There's no way you can focus on what truly matters to you because you are spread too thin. And then it's time to start releasing things and no, this isn't like a cancel everyone and everything all at once, but maybe it is that it just depends on your life and what you've taken on, and it may be a slow release and a slow letting go of all of the things that you don't truly care about, as well as becoming more disciplined with where your focus and attention are going, so that you are not distracted by what these people are doing, or this party you weren't invited to, or that good moms quote, unquote do that. If you are distracted and unfocused and you're wasting your time and energy, that may be your number one problem, because now you're spread too thin and so it's really hard to go anywhere else if you have nothing else to give.
Heather Evans:Your fourth problem or roadblock could be excuses. Excuses is kind of a tough word. It's kind of given yourself some tough love, and what is the opposite of living a life of excuses? It's living a life of ownership. If you are going to make any change in your life, the first thing you have to do is take full ownership over that change. Full ownership. Let's take something a lot of people are familiar with. Let's just say exercise. You want to move your body more. It is not up to your friend to drag you to the gym. It is not up to your spouse to make sure you do your workout. At the end of the day, whether or not you do, it is you, and we know this because sometimes we'll have like a friend, but we'll like cancel here and there. Why? Because it wasn't the friend's job to get us there, it was our job to get us there.
Heather Evans:Taking ownership means you are responsible for your choices, which can feel very overwhelming and also empowering, because you just have to choose and you need to make choices that make you proud, that are aligned with who you want to become. This is why no one else is in charge of your life, because no one else knows exactly who you want to become, what you want your life to feel like. So it is up to you to make sure you are doing the things that lead to who you want to become, what you want your life to feel like, and it is up to you and only you. If you want to be more patient, let's go back to that. And you want to not yell in your house anymore? You're like I'm not gonna yell. Whose responsibility is it for you to not yell? It is 100% your own. Is it for your family to never make you mad again? No, they're gonna make you mad again. They're family. It's up to you to decide to not yell.
Heather Evans:And if your excuse is well, I'm just a yeller but you want to be someone who doesn't yell, then the excuse that you're just a yeller is just an excuse. It's an excuse, it's a sound bite. It's that same limiting belief that stops you from becoming who you want to be. Take ownership of that limiting belief and shift it and own that. You get to step into who you want to be. And that doesn't mean it's easy. I say you have to choose. I'm not saying choosing is easy. I say you have to step into that version of you. I am not saying that is easy.
Heather Evans:Remember, we like the path of least resistance, that is comfortable, that feels safe and sometimes, when we're going on these other paths, our brain is like uh-uh, no way, and our brain will give us excuses to stay safe, to stay on this path. We know, but that is the autopilot leading our lives. That is not us leading our lives. That is our brain taking control and making us do what it wants us to do, versus us saying I take ownership of my life, I take ownership of where I go next. I take ownership of the steps I take each day. I take ownership of making sure I rest. I take ownership of making sure I move my body. It is up to me and no one else.
Heather Evans:A quick story about ownership is this I was married my last marriage and I had a toddler, and my relationship with my ex was really volatile. I was yelled at all the time and cursed at quite frequently and I was not happy. And I remember one day I was probably what 21, 22, realizing that although he was my spouse, it was not his responsibility to make me happy. Now, this didn't mean I was happy when I was screamed at not at all. This didn't mean I just like faked a smile not at all. But my strategy, which was really smart, I feel like for me back then, in that really hard marriage, the really difficult marriage, was that after I was yelled at or screamed at, even when I didn't yell and scream back, and I just like didn't know what to do, my goal after each of that was to do one thing I loved. Do one thing I loved, and at that time it was playing piano, and so I would play the piano.
Heather Evans:Back then I didn't realize that I was shifting my mood, but I did know that if I wanted peace, I could not stop my ex from yelling at me. I couldn't, because I had already tried everything at that point, and at that point I was still all in the marriage and going to make it work no matter what. And so if I wanted any joy in my life or any peace in my life, it was 100% up to me to take ownership of shifting and creating that, because he was not going to create it for me. This did not mean every day was happy, because it wasn't. This does not mean I was happy when I was yelled at because I wasn't, but what it does show is that I even understood then, when I was much younger and in a really rough situation, that the ownership of my life was not outsourced to anyone else. My happiness, my peace, finding some sort of joy in every day was up to me. If that was important to me, then it was 100% on me and I could not wait around for my spouse at the time to bring me joy.
Heather Evans:Now fast forward. We're divorced, right Like I've chosen different things as well, I took ownership of that choice as well, that if I wanted to stay, I could or I could own something different, but at that time that was the ownership I was able to take in a really hard situation. We've outsourced a lot of our lives, so ownership can feel really heavy. But when we really understand ownership, it empowers us because we truly believe that we get to make the choices to move us forward and that nobody else is going to make those choices for us or has to make those choices for us, that it literally comes down to us to choose the last problem or roadblock you could be facing. That is, your main problem or roadblock is being stuck in the past or an imagined future, and this all comes down to not being in the present. The present is the only moment you're ever truly in.
Heather Evans:I can't make a choice for myself an hour from now. Now I can plan that I'm going to do this an hour from now, but I can't make the choice in this current moment that that is going to for sure happen. Me an hour from now will have to make the choice that that is for sure going to happen. So we can make plans, but the only time we're actually making choices is in the present moment. Can think of it like this I can buy tickets to a concert that's a week from now, but unless I drive to the concert, I'm not going. Current me can buy the tickets, but current me can't go to the concert because it's not happening right now. Future me, which will eventually be present me and when I hit that moment, present me a week from now, she will have to make the choice to get in the car and drive to the concert. Yeah, the only person that's actually making choices in your life is present you. Past you will have helped you. Future you can pull you forward, but present you makes the choices.
Heather Evans:So when we are stuck in the past like this is how my life was, this I will never get over, this is what will shape me forever, or these are the regrets I have from the past what it does is it robs the current moment of energy, vitality, focus, drive, the ability to make a different choice. So when we are stuck in the past, this may look like fixating on something that happened in the past that we cannot change. The past were choices made by ourselves and others in those present moments. And I am not saying past choices have no bearing in your present moment. They are all part of your story. Your life is a thread and it is all connected. So, past you and future you and current you are all connected. But what I am saying is to move forward in your life to the next version, the next vision, the things you want in your life. You cannot be fixated on the past because you can't make choices there and you cannot be fixated on the future because you can't make choices there.
Heather Evans:Now we use the past as experience and learning and knowledge and it has shaped a lot of who we are in the present and then who we want to be in the future can shape like the drive that pulls us forward. Because if we can imagine future us or the person we want to be, that can pull us forward and then present us will become our past us. We just keep kind of like moving along this thread right of life past us, present, future. Future us becomes present us, present us becomes past us. But the only moment you're ever in, the only moment you get to make choices, is now. We use our past to inform and we use our future to pull us forward and we use the present to make the choices. So if we are only focused on future us and we're just planning for that, but we make no present choices, here's a good example I'm writing a book. Future me plans on having a book published. If present me never writes a single word, will I have a book? No, it does not matter how many things I plan about writing my book or how much I dream or visualize writing the book. If I do not sit and type, there will be no book. Present me determines future me.
Heather Evans:Now, maybe I fixate on past me. I've never written a book before. I don't know how to do this. Like what if my story's not good? Let the self doubt and past me. Past me says well, you've never done this. What if you're no good at it? And I fixate on that. So there's two different realities here, actually three. Right, my past is where oh, you don't even know how to do that. You really got really bad grades in English growing up. And future me's like you could have a book published. That's really exciting. But the only place I can actually take action is now. So if I fixate on the fears of past me, then I will not write the book. And if I just get excited by future me who's like you're gonna write a book, but present me does not step up to the plate, I won't write the book and therefore, being fixated in the future or in the past is keeping me stuck, it is a roadblock, it is a problem.
Heather Evans:Okay, so those are our five. So what is your main problem? And maybe you hear these and you're like these are all my problems, that's fine. I think we actually have a combo of these at all times.
Heather Evans:What is your main one in your gut? Which one, if you were to begin to work through it, would lead to the greatest result right now? Is it your negative self-talk? Do you need to develop a kinder inner voice and work through some limiting beliefs? Is it?
Heather Evans:Number two, a lack of a plan? Do you need to start living life on purpose and not on autopilot? Do you need to pump the brakes, get off autopilot and recalibrate and start to intentionally live your life? Number three are you distracted or unfocused? Is your cell phone use too much? Are you an octopus with energy going way too many directions so you can never be in your present moment because you're always everywhere else? If you're distracted and unfocused and spread too thin, it's time to simplify, remove distractions intentionally and release the things the shoulds, the have to's that you truly do not value. Number four are you stuck in your excuses? If so, it's time to take ownership. Remember, ownership is not easy, but it is powerful.
Heather Evans:Number five are you stuck in the past or an imagined future? Are you living everywhere but the present moment? Are you regretting past choices or looking forward to future choices, but making no choices in the present, because the present is the only place you'll ever be. What is your main problem in roadblock? We all have one. We might have all five, and this is not about judging yourself.
Heather Evans:It's about visioning your future and figuring out what, right now, is your wall? What, right now, is keeping you stuck, especially if you feel like you just keep banging your head against the wall. You feel like you get started and then it's just wall. What is the wall so you can walk around it? What is the wall so you can knock it down? And then imagine that you now have developed positive self-talk, you have an intentional life, you are not distracted and you are focused.
Heather Evans:You have released these extra things that you don't need to carry, you've taken ownership of your life and you're living in the present moment. If you do all of those things, which is actually just a lot of releasing the external and not carrying so much, that isn't yours, the beliefs that aren't yours, the values that aren't yours, the expectations that are not yours, the ways to spend your time that are not yours, the scrolling the phone which is just staring at lives that are not yours, and ads and endless content that is not yours. That's not your life. If you believe that you have the ownership and the power to make a change, then you can move forward. Then it feels freeing and they all work together to support each other, and then you just keep stepping forward into the next version of you and it becomes easier because you become lighter, because you have released all of these things. You've released the excuses, you've released who you were in the past and you just step into now and make choices from there. Speak kindly to yourself, live intentionally, get focused and cut out distractions. Take ownership and live in the present moment and make choices where you are right now.
Heather Evans:If this podcast has served you, please share. That's the way this grows. That's the way we support each other. If you're on YouTube, subscribe. Or if you're on your favorite podcast platform, please leave a review so that more people can find this podcast. I'm so grateful for each of you that has been here week after week and, even if you're new, welcome. I'm so excited for this podcast going into 2024. I started it back in July. We've hit over 21 episodes, which is like puts you in the top 1% of podcasts. Most podcasts are stopped before their 21st episode, and so I'm so excited and honored to be here and cannot wait for the future of whatever with Heather, and I'll see y'all and chat with you next week. Bye.