Whatever with Heather - Mindset, Parenting & Personal Growth
From mindset, to parenting, to life's ups and downs... nothing is off the table. This podcast is here to encompass the many sides of us all.
Whatever with Heather - Mindset, Parenting & Personal Growth
34. Tools for Navigating Depression - part 2
In this episode I share the 4 tools that were pivotal (and continue to be pivotal) in navigating the hard times of life.
2 mindset shifts and 2 actionable tools to help you move forward in your life.
0:00
0:10 Intro
2:14 Figuring it Out
2:45 The 4 Tools
3:03 #1 Re-framing Happiness
6:40 #1 Recap
8:08 2nd Tool
8:41 The Words We Use
12:29 3rd Tool
12:43 #3 Create a Shift
14:56 Ask Yourself...
19:27 4th Tool
19:42 #4 Make it Tangible
24:37 4 Tools - Summary
29:54 You are Not Alone
Hey y'all, welcome back to the podcast. Thank you for tuning in. If it's your first time, welcome. If you are a repeat, welcome back.
Speaker 1:Today is part two of a two-part chat. But even if you don't listen to the last episode, this episode can stand alone. But I highly suggest you go back and listen to part one, where I talk about why the lowest is sometimes necessary. And in that podcast, that episode, I talk about my journey with depression as well as go into the deepest, hardest time that I went through, and it was the time that led me to where I am today and to discovering the tools that supported me in navigating life with depression. Those tools are what I'm sharing today. I'm so excited to share these.
Speaker 1:I left you all hanging on the last podcast saying that I had decided to try to step into the unknown of depression and try to just figure it out, figure out how to navigate life, and I didn't know what that would look like and I didn't know what I would need to do. But today I'm outlining to navigate life, and I didn't know what that would look like and I didn't know what I would need to do. But today I'm outlining what I did, and this wasn't necessarily a straightforward path. Right when I'm just trying out things, it was not just straightforward and obvious and clear what was going to work. Today I'm going to condense down what I learned and I'm not going to tell you the things I tried that didn't really support me or help in my journey of navigating depression, but I will share what did work, what did help me, so it can be a little more straightforward for you, so you don't have to try out so many things. That's not to say that you trying out different things isn't going to serve you. In fact, we're going to get into that later in the podcast, in the episode. So, when it comes to navigating life with depression, it's a choose your own adventure story. It's a choose your own path. So today I'll share what worked for me, the things I did that I do think will help support you as well, and then also be open to just whatever pops into your mind as maybe being a good tool or something to try when navigating life through hard emotions and even depression. So what did figuring out depression look like for me? I like to illustrate figuring out depression as throwing darts at a dartboard and seeing what works, and seeing what works effectively and seeing what works somewhat. Anything that works and supports you in navigating depression is a useful tool In the journey of figuring out life with depression. It felt like throwing darts at a dartboard and seeing what stuck, what worked.
Speaker 1:Today, I'm going to share with you four main tools and mindset reframes that worked for me in navigating depression, and I've also worked with other women in teaching them these tools and seeing them use these tools, and these are very effective. The first tool is actually a mindset shift and it is changing your belief system around happiness. It is reframing your belief system around happiness. This is the journey that I went through, and this was the first thing that had to happen for me in order for me to begin to be able to deal with navigating life with depression. I don't remember how exactly it came up, but all of a sudden one day I realized maybe I don't need to be quote unquote happy. Maybe I just need to be. Maybe it's okay to not be happy.
Speaker 1:In fact, not being happy does make sense. Although we'd like to be happy all the time, it makes sense that we're not happy all the time. I mean, life is stupid sometimes, right, it's annoying at other times. It's boring at other times and it's overwhelming at other times. It's heartbreaking at times. It is downright miserable at times. Sometimes life is painful and heart-wrenching and soul-crushing, and sometimes it's all of those things mixed into one. A little dose of this, a little dose of that.
Speaker 1:It makes sense that we feel emotions other than happiness. There is nothing wrong with feeling emotions other than happiness. There is nothing wrong with feeling low. It makes sense, given that life is just not happy all the time, and you don't need to be happy all the time because life just isn't happy all the time. This makes complete rational sense. Yet we bang our heads against the wall, feeling like well, I should be able to get back to happiness right away or quickly. I should be happy, I should be able to see the good, I should be able to find a way to find joy all the time. And it's just not reality. Life is hard, we know this, and life is funny and joyful, and we know this. So I came to the realization that maybe happiness isn't the goal. It's nice, yes, happiness is nice to feel, but maybe me putting that as my main goal has been part of the problem. Like this highest thing, my life is the best when I feel happiness, and that's all I want to feel, and every other emotion I would like to not feel or avoid or try to get away from as quickly as possible.
Speaker 1:One of the beliefs I had picked up in life was that I needed to strive to feel happy all the time. It wasn't the belief that I needed to feel happy all the time, but rather that I needed to at least strive to be happy all the time, and that isn't realistic. So my desire to feel happiness and my frustration at feeling anything other than happiness was the root of my problem. Maybe I just needed to not be so desperate to be happy. Maybe I just needed to allow other feelings In the past when I felt mad or sad. I just wanted to be happy again. And since I couldn't be happy again, I couldn't seem to get there it made me feel depressed that I wasn't happy and that I just couldn't get to happiness. I just couldn't be happy. So maybe it was my constant pursuit and striving for happiness that was causing my depression. Maybe it was less that my depression was causing depression and instead my constant striving and pursuit of happiness was causing depression.
Speaker 1:So the first reframe is a change in the belief system that it is bad or you need to get away from feeling any other emotion than happiness. It is okay to feel other emotions. You are not broken and you do not need fixed and you don't need to get away from hard emotions as quickly as possible. It is sometimes in our greatest discomfort that we grow the most. It is in our greatest trials that we expand our capacity to love and we expand our capacity to understand others and ourselves and the world. Yet we try to get away from those so quickly. We don't like it, but that's where the growth is. The pursuit of happiness, the constant pursuing and striving to be happy when we feel anything other than happiness is what is making us miserable. How ironic that the pursuit of something good or what we have framed as good and better and worthy, is that actual thing that may be causing us to spiral more deeply into depression and sorrow and hopelessness, because we're upset that we're not feeling that all the time. We feel broken when we feel anything other than happiness. Every other emotion is to be fixed and return to happiness. But what if we just stopped feeling like we were so broken? What if we stopped putting so much pressure on ourselves to be happy in times where we may just not be happy.
Speaker 1:The second thing that I did was also a reframing of a mindset and mostly the power of our words. Now stay with me on this. We all know that words are powerful. You can probably remember something someone said to you that was mean or hurtful, from maybe even decades ago. You might have a scar on your body and you might not even remember where it came from, but you're going to remember the painful words and hard things that people said to you. Words are powerful and with ourselves we have a dialogue. We have a way we speak about ourselves and we all do this.
Speaker 1:We take on traits as if they are us. We say things like I am fat or I have depression. We say I am this or that and I have this or that. The I ams are statements of what we believe ourselves to be. I'm an introvert, I'm an extrovert, I am a crunchy mom, I'm a bougie mom, like. We take on so many traits of what I am. I am this and I am that, and then we take on things we have Like I have depression, I have anxiety, I have a short temper, I have anxiety, I have a short temper, I have a lack of patience. All of these statements feel like facts. We would not say them if we did not believe them to be facts. Now stay with me, because it can feel uncomfortable to talk about the things that I am and I have and the things that you believe you are and you have, and be told that maybe we need to change the language around those. But first let me illustrate this. Let me illustrate why this can be so helpful.
Speaker 1:When I decided to try to reframe my language around depression, I did not know if this would work. I did not know if this would work and I had no examples of this working. But I thought what if, instead of me saying I have depression and making it something that is verbally attached to me right, like it's just part of me, I have it Instead say I feel depressed, just like I say I feel sad or I feel frustrated Emotions like I have sadness or I feel frustrated Emotions like I have sadness, I have happiness. We don't use the phrase have for even good emotions like happiness I have happiness, I have it. No, we just say I feel it, I feel it. We don't even give happiness much power over our lives in the way we word, whether we have it or not, we just say I feel it. So why not take that same verbal language and put it with depression? Instead of saying I have depression, release its attachment to me, and instead say I feel depressed. Now, this is no longer something I have to hold or carry around because it's not mine.
Speaker 1:And as I did this, I wondered how much the power of words would affect me when it came to depression, where I had been diagnosed as anxious and depressed and had carried that for so long. Shouldn't I just accept that I have it? But nobody ever suggested to me that depression is something I just feel sometimes, just like happiness is something I feel. Sometimes I had been carrying around the weight of that. I had this thing that was broken about me and needed to be fixed. So even when I didn't feel depressed, I still had depression. It was always with me. Even when I wasn't feeling it, I still had it. But why use that language when it is not supportive? I didn't know if changing the phrasing of my depression would change anything, and it actually was huge in changing my relationship to depression. Instead of something I carried and owned and was mine. It was just something I felt sometimes and didn't feel other times. This change in the way I talked about depression and myself reduced the power of depression over me. It became not something that was a part of me, but rather something I experienced.
Speaker 1:The third thing is an action. So the first two were mindsets. The third thing is a little more actionable. We have the mindsets and the things we say in our belief systems that need to be revamped, reworked, reframed. And now for the third thing. The focus is on turning stagnancy into movement or creating a shift.
Speaker 1:Now let's go back to number one. Happiness is not the goal. So then, what is the goal? I'm feeling depressed. What's my goal? And the goal becomes to shift the feeling. This is not about trying to sprint away from whatever you're feeling and get to happiness.
Speaker 1:Depression is a very stagnant, inactive feeling, in fact, like is it our inactivity and stagnancy that causes depression to rise up, or does depression rise up and cause inactivity and stagnancy? Oftentimes, stagnancy and inactivity come hand in hand with depression. It's hard to know what comes first, and to me it doesn't really matter what comes first, but what does matter is that, since stagnancy and inactivity are linked as buddies with depression. That means that movement and activity and I don't necessarily mean movement like physical movement, I mean movement energetically, and activity energetically can shift us away from feeling depressed. The goal then becomes no longer trying to figure out what will make you feel happy, but instead what will shift what you're feeling, create movement and activity around what you're feeling, instead of sinking into the stagnancy and inactivity. What will shake things up? Depression is stagnancy. Doing something mixes up the stagnancy.
Speaker 1:And when we're not so worried about feeling quote unquote happy again and instead we're just focused on creating a shift, the good news is we can reach the goal of creating a shift pretty much every time, so we don't become fixated on will this thing make me happy? Because happy is the goal and when you're depressed it feels like nothing will make you happy. Happiness is a far reach from feeling depressed. But if instead, I'm feeling depressed and I'm asking what will help me shift? Shake things up a little, move things around, that's all I want. A shift energetically. When that becomes the goal, that is a much more achievable goal, very realistic and much more in line with feeling depression and navigating depression. So then you ask yourself what can I do to shift or shake up, but I love the word shift. What can I do to shift or shake up, but I love the word shift. What can I do to shift how I'm feeling? And then you coach or lead or parent yourself to do the thing that you know will help you shift what you're feeling.
Speaker 1:Now, when you're depressed, getting yourself to do anything is challenging, and this is nothing wrong with you. This is just how we are. This is how we are as humans. For example, when your child is sick, when you are not feeling 100% physically or mentally, it is up to you to do what you know you need to do. This is not about what you want to do, because in depression, there is very little wanting to do anything. Instead, the focus is on what you need to do, what you know you need, in order to improve your mental or physical health. This is not easy, because your brain says no, no, thank you Would not like to do that. But the part of you that says get out of bed and go on a five minute walk. Then you have the part of your brain that says no, realize you are normal. Then your job becomes to coach yourself, lead yourself and say this will create a shift. We are doing this, this is what we need. And you hold your own damn hand and you get yourself out of bed and you go on a walk to the end of your driveway and back, or you go on a walk around the block, or you go stand with your feet in the earth or you do a meditation or you journal or you get out watercolors, or you go work out or you go see a friend or you start a new book. You parent and lead and guide yourself forward.
Speaker 1:There will always be the part of you that's like you need to take a walk and the part of you that says, no, I don't want to take a walk. And then your goal is to let the part of you that knows what you need let that part win. Sometimes the other part will still win. It will. You're human. But begin to let the part of you that knows what you need, even if it doesn't know what the end result is. It just knows it will create a shift. It knows it's what you need. Let that part win and then make yourself do the thing. Start to stack small wins, small moments of leading, coaching, parenting yourself.
Speaker 1:You do know what you need, but your brain will say no, you don't want that, you don't want to do that. What will it help? But your brain doesn't get to run the show because your brain right then is not in a good place, just like the sick kid that doesn't want to rest and doesn't want to eat the soup and doesn't want to drink the water. That is the part of you that's saying no, I don't want to. And then the part of you that is parenting, coaching, leading yourself, your highest self, whatever you want to call this part of you that knows what you need, that part is parenting you and leading you and coaching you and make yourself do the things that you know you need to do. You do know what you need, but your brain will say no, I don't want that, I don't need that what you need, but your brain will say no, I don't want that, I don't need that. Just view that part of yourself that is saying no as the part of you that doesn't want to heal. And then let the part of you that does want to heal, that does want to shift, win. Let that part even win here and there, and watch how things change until we begin to let the part of us win that knows what we need, and start to trust and take some movement and some action, then we will just stay stuck. Without movement, without action, there is stagnancy and inactivity and that leads to us feeling depressed and hopeless and unmotivated and therefore it holds that activity and movement mentally, physically, however you move through it. Remember this isn't just physical movement. This could be creative movement, this could be working on mindsets, this could be reading inspirational quotes. It could be as simple as that. Whatever it is, we move through it. We create movement to move us, shift, us, change the energy.
Speaker 1:The fourth thing is about action, about making it tangible. This is something you have probably never done in your life. You probably have done this in your head without realizing it. But do this on paper, and I'll explain why in a minute. But do this on paper and I'll explain why in a minute. When you are trying things to shift your energy, you will write down I did blank, then I felt blank. Or maybe you create a paper with two columns the left column says the action you took and then the right column says how it made you feel.
Speaker 1:So let's say, you decide to color. Maybe you just print out a coloring page or find your kid's coloring book and get out some crayons and you're like I'm going to color and see what that shifts. Maybe after you color, you feel inspired, or you feel energized, or you feel bored, or you feel tired, whatever it is. Write it down. Coloring makes me feel XYZ, whatever it is.
Speaker 1:And then begin to do this for actions that you take, to begin to try to figure out when I do this action it leads to this shift in my energy. It might be different at different times, but we start to chart this, we start to make it really tangible. Now, why are we doing this? This is to create a list for future you. This is your cheat sheet for the times where you are feeling depressed and low and stagnant, because, remember, there's that part of our brain that does not want to do anything. And so we begin to build this list that we can refer to in the times we're feeling low, in the times where we're feeling depressed, and we can kind of see, I know this thing in the past led to this type of shift, so I could trust that maybe that will happen again, even if I don't want to. We just continue to ask what will help me fill a shift. I've had people do hair and makeup tutorials online when they were feeling low and have it create a huge shift for them.
Speaker 1:Women I have worked with have come up with so many amazing things to create shifts in their life. It could even be organizing a junk drawer. It could be getting a planner and filling it out. It could be printing out quotes and putting them on your wall, like I have behind me, if you're you're seeing the video. There are so many things you can do, creative things to create a shift. I even like pulling weeds. That actually creates a huge shift for me. If I'm feeling really anxious or overwhelmed, if I go pull some weeds, I feel a lot better. It's weird. I don't know why. That's the correlation for me, but it is and I know that because I've tracked it and I understand that.
Speaker 1:So we begin to build this list and some things might make you feel positive shifts or productive shifts, and some things might be a neutral shift and some things might be a unproductive shift where you're like I feel worse now. That's fine. There's no right and wrong here. This is understanding you and what works for you and your brain and your body and shifting and moving emotions and feelings through you. So you keep this chart so that future you can refer to it and say here's the list of things that we know helps us. And now we're going to pick one, and we're going to do this because we want to create a shift in how we're feeling. It's literally that basic and you're not saying, well, we need to be happy and we need to be positive and we need to feel better. No, it is right now I'm really stuck. These are things that I know that help me get unstuck and I'm going to just try them and I bet they won't work, because you're probably in a not positive mindset, and that's fine. I bet they won't work, I bet I won't feel better, and then you'll begin to try the things on your list and they will begin to create shifts in how you're feeling, even if just for a few moments.
Speaker 1:The other way you can use this list that you're building of things that create a shift is to start to notice what things you're doing before you start to feel depressed or anxious. So, for a lot of people me included you start to feel depressed or anxious. So, for a lot of people me included scrolling my phone leads me to feeling either anxious or depressed. Quite often it's stagnancy for me. So I write down, scroll my phone leads to feeling meh or unmotivated or uninspired, whatever it is, and then, that way I know. So maybe I start feeling that way again. I go to my sheet and I'm like oh yeah, I was just scrolling my phone and that makes sense why I feel that way.
Speaker 1:You would think we would remember these things, but we don't. We don't remember what makes us feel certain ways, because most of what we're experiencing is what we're currently feeling. It is hard for us to refer back to moments Now we might be able to refer back to oh my goodness, I love this trip with my family that made me feel so alive and so connected. Well, that is hard to recreate in the moment, and so our brain will go to these big, extravagant things that made us feel good or better or whatever it is, and in the moment we can't recreate those. So we find the smaller things that lead to shifts in our daily life. Okay, so those are the four things.
Speaker 1:Number one reframe your belief system. You don't need to be happy all of the time and you don't need to constantly strive for happiness. It is okay to feel emotions other than happiness. Number two reframe your relationship to depression and the power depression has over you. Maybe, instead of saying I have depression, say I feel depressed sometimes and see how that changes things.
Speaker 1:Number three turn stagnancy into movement. Create a shift. Ask what will shift how I'm feeling, what will shake things up, and then coach and lead yourself forward to do the things that could potentially create a shift, with no worry about whether they get you back to happiness. Create activity where there is inactivity. Create movement where there is stagnancy. Number four make it tangible. Create a list. Create a cheat sheet for yourself, for future you. A way of knowing this leads to this A real, honest, tangible data-driven. If I do this, then I feel this, so that future you, who does not want to do anything, can refer to the list and do what you know you need.
Speaker 1:It took me years to learn these tools, to evolve them into something simple that made sense for myself and for others, and where I'm at now with depression is that depression comes and goes. I feel depressed sometimes and it's okay. I don't have depression. I feel depressed sometimes and since I don't have it, it's free to come and go, and it does come and go. I don't love when depression shows up, but I'm at peace when it does, because I know it will flow in and flow out, just like happiness flows in and flows out and boredom comes in and comes out, and I feel frustrated sometimes and excited sometimes and motivated sometimes and unmotivated other times. Everything comes and goes and I don't need to have or carry any of it as if it is mine to hold onto as a burden for the rest of my life.
Speaker 1:I do small things to create shifts. I do exactly what I shared with you. When I feel depressed or depression comes in to hang out, I let myself feel it, I might bum around for a little and then I work to create a shift. I'm not focused on what will make me happy, but rather what will create a shift in my energy, and then I use my list so I don't have to think. I don't have to use my depressed brain when it's depressed in the moment to think of what I need to do. I just know what I need to do because it's tangible, it's clear.
Speaker 1:I share all of this, my journey and the tools I've used not to downplay depression. In fact, I shared my story and the hardest parts of that to let you know that I have been in the darkest, darkest parts of my life and I am not a just choose happiness kind of person, just fake it till you make it, because I've been there and I've done that and I was as depressed as ever. So I don't say any of this to downplay depression and I hope it doesn't come across that way, because depression is the thing that almost took me out of this life. So I know it is heavy and I know it is real and it is hard and it is a struggle, and these are the tools that helped me get from there to here. In the beginning I thought, well, if I were to figure it out, I wouldn't ever feel depressed again, and that's just not the case. But since I released the weight and power that depression had over me, everything has changed for me. I'm allowed to feel depressed sometimes and not have depression and not have to carry it around all the time. You are allowed to feel depressed. You are not broken if you feel depressed.
Speaker 1:Life is depressing sometimes and in some phases of our life it seems like that's. All there is is depression and hopelessness and stuckness and stagnancy. That is very real and there is a way to reframe and rework your relationship with depression to where it can be a part of your life without owning your life. I'm so grateful to past me, the one who was like, hey, you have three choices and we're going to try to figure this out, and I don't know what that looks like, but we're just going to start walking the path and see where it goes, because it led me here to where I can share with you how I survived, how I moved forward and the tools that I used. That can seem so simple, but they are so powerful in moving yourself forward and navigating life.
Speaker 1:Please reach out if you ever need support. Please know that you are not alone. If you have tried and you have struggled and you've done meds and they haven't worked and you just feel stuck, you are not alone. It is not just me who has been through this, it is so many people so. Know you are not alone and also know that you are not broken and do not need fixing. Thank y'all for being here for this episode. Please DM me on Instagram or leave a comment on YouTube, because I'd love to hear from you. You are not alone. Thank you for being here. Bye y'all.