Whatever with Heather - Mindset, Parenting & Personal Growth
From mindset, to parenting, to life's ups and downs... nothing is off the table. This podcast is here to encompass the many sides of us all.
Whatever with Heather - Mindset, Parenting & Personal Growth
39. 7 Lessons That Changed My Parenting (What I’d Tell Younger Me)
Seventeen years into motherhood, I’ve learned some lessons that completely changed the way I parent. Some of these I figured out early, others much later—but every single one shaped our family for the better.
In this episode, I share the 7 biggest lessons I’d tell my younger self about motherhood, including:
- Why it’s okay (and necessary) to do things you love.
- How giving yourself breaks—without guilt—makes you a better mom.
- Why your imperfections are actually a gift to your kids.
- The importance of raising adults, not just kids.
- And how teamwork and chores can transform family life.
If you’ve ever felt guilty for needing space, worried about not doing it “perfectly,” or wondered how to prepare your kids for real life—this episode is for you.
✨ Give yourself grace. Your kids don’t need a perfect mom. They need you.
Hey y'all, welcome back to another episode of Whatever with Heather. Today I'm joining you from a different location in my house. If you are listening to the podcast, you obviously can't tell that, but if you're watching on YouTube, welcome to my couch. I have officially been a mom now for just over 17 years. During those 17 years, there are things that I have learned and things that, when I learned them, changed the way I parented. Some of these things I learned earlier and some of these things I learned later on in parenting, but these were things that as soon as I learned them, as soon as I realized them, they changed me as a mother for the better. And I sit here now with a 17-year-old, a 14, almost 15-year-old and an 11-year-old to say that these things that I learned have really shaped our family dynamic to where it is now. We're little.
Speaker 1:Here's what I'd tell past me. Number one it's okay to do things you love. You deserve to live a life that you enjoy, that fills you up, that includes things that you love. Motherhood does not mean abandoning you. There are parts of us that shift and change and evolve as we become mothers and evolve as we become mothers. And evolving is good and change can even be good, and there is some mourning that happens that we don't talk about enough. There can be a mourning of what your life looked like before, what you got to spend your time doing before and, just in general, who you were before kids. I have not met many women who, when they became a mother, didn't have some sort of profound loss at the same time as this wonderful gain in their lives, and a lot of this loss comes from so much of our time now being devoted to something else that we struggle to find ways, or even struggle to feel deserving, of putting things in our lives that we love. We have this new love that has come into our lives and that should not replace the things that we also love and enjoy. Your children benefit from seeing you light up and do things that you enjoy. You deserve to enjoy your life too. You probably spend a lot of time making sure this person is happy and this person has what they need and this person's getting to do something fun. But don't lose taking care of yourself and making sure you have fun in your life. You have things you enjoy. This doesn't even have to be something big. It could just be something daily something small a walk, a coffee ritual where you drink your coffee, a hobby time to read it could even be turning on your favorite show while you fold laundry.
Speaker 1:Imagine your children going through a whole week with nothing in that week that they like or enjoy. How do you think their mental health, personality, actions, psychological health in general, how do you think that would be at the end of that week? We know it would not be good, we know they would be struggling, and yet we expect ourselves to go week after week not doing anything we truly love and enjoy. You may say, well, I love and enjoy my kids, and if that does fill you up and fill up the bucket of you checking something off that just makes you feel alive, then by all means let that be your thing. But for a lot of women that is not the thing. You love your children, you enjoy your children and you find joy and fulfillment in other things. That is okay. That is actually just fine, maybe even great, because I'm rounding the phase where, at some point, really soon, my children will be leaving and if all of my fulfillment and joy are my children, then what will I have when they're gone? What will I have when they have created their own tribe and their own circle and their own life. You deserve to live a life you enjoy that has things that you enjoy in it that are separate from your children. This does not make you less of a mother. It just makes you a human.
Speaker 1:What hobby or activity did you give up when your kids were little? How can you begin to sprinkle that back in your life? It may not look the same as before. The amount of time you spend on it may not look the same as before. The amount of time you spend on it may not be the same as before, but how can you begin to sprinkle in things you love? When my kids were little, I found it very hard to find any time to do much of what I loved. Sometimes, doing what you love means giving yourself a break, which brings me to my second point, that it is okay to use some of the tools. You have to give yourself a break.
Speaker 1:A few years ago I had one of my friends write me. She was in the younger mom phase of parenting and my kids were a little bit older. She wrote me and said how guilty she felt because her kids watched two hours of TV that day, watched two hours of TV that day. Sometimes she said they even watched two movies a day, but she needed a break in time for herself and she felt so badly about it. My response to her was your children will remember very little about the day-to-day breakdown of their time spent in their childhood. What they will remember is how their childhood felt.
Speaker 1:If you, as a parent, are so overwhelmed and so exhausted and all you need is some time to yourself to maybe do something you love and that means one more movie for your kids or two more episodes of their favorite show so that you can create time to do something you love and therefore be a more patient, happy parent, mother who actually enjoys her life, who can bring up the vibe in her home because she gave herself time without guilt. When you talk about your own childhood to other people, you talk more about the care that was in your home, the words that were said in your home, the way your childhood felt, the way your parents made you feel, the way your siblings made you feel. You may have some stories and some anecdotes, but how you spent blocks of time in your life, those all get overridden by the overall vibe and safety and care you felt in your childhood, or the lack of safety, the lack of care, the lack of peace in your home. So if you, as a mother, can have your children watch a little bit more TV and then you're able to take time for yourself to recharge or nap or do something you love, and then in turn you show up as a mother who is mentally healthier, who is more patient, who is more resilient, your children will remember how their home felt, not the screen time minutes.
Speaker 1:I remember when I realized when I was a new mom my new daughter, first kid I was very against TV being on in the room at any time. There will not be TV on, she's not going to look at it. And then time went on and I had another kid and a little bit more TV time. And then time went on and I had another kid and a little bit more TV time. And then time went on and a third child, a little bit more TV time. And I remember mom guilt, like you have that angel on your shoulder and the devil on your shoulder when you become a mom. It's just like mom guilt on your shoulder and the angel telling you you're doing a good job is quiet and it's just the mom guilt telling you what you're doing wrong and how you're not measuring up. It makes you look at all of the stuff all over the floor that didn't get picked up and the kitchen that's a mess, even though you've been cleaning and working all day and nothing is done. And I remember that mom, guilt, devil or whatever you want to call it, telling me how I'm failing my kids, how I'm not being a good mom. And then I had a realization that when I get a little more time to myself, I'm a better mom. They get a better version of me, a more patient version of me, a mentally healthier version of me, and they got to enjoy a show they liked. And, yes, some days have a lot more screen time, some days have less. That's just normal living. When I realized my children would remember how their childhood felt, because that's what I remember about my childhood as a mom. Remember that if one more show gives you the time to move your body, rest your brain, do something you love and therefore show up as a mom who creates a better vibe in her home is 100% worth it.
Speaker 1:Now let's talk about number three. This might ruffle some people's feathers, and I get that, but realize I'm coming from a place of. We are all different and different things work for different people. So here we go. I became a mom in the time where gentle parenting was on an upswing and you could Google the scripts and Google what you were supposed to say for your children. And here's the thing Gentle parenting has its place and so does just being real For me. Gentle parenting did not feel real to me and for some parents. It feels real to them and so they may not understand what it's like when you try to say things in a gentle parenting way and you feel like a complete fraud. You feel so fake and I felt like I was building an inauthentic relationship with my kids. Gentle parenting tools are great, but life doesn't always line up so neatly and that gets you that little guilt guy on your shoulder telling you how you're not doing it correctly.
Speaker 1:The truth is, you are human and sometimes you're going to snap, yell or react quickly without thinking that's just real life. We are not perfect people. Quickly without thinking that's just real life. We are not perfect people. What matters is teaching how to repair by modeling, repairing or acknowledging when you have snapped or yelled or reacted, your children are going to snap, yell and react. As a parent, if you snap, yell or react, you can model how to move forward from that. We repair by apologizing, reconnecting and moving forward. What that looks like is this when I have acted in a way I'm not proud of, I apologize. Then to reconnect with your children, you acknowledge that you are just human who also makes mistakes. You're not proud of how you acted and in the future you can tell your children how you'd like to respond.
Speaker 1:You do not have to pressure yourself with the perfect script or to be so regulated all the time, because the truth is humans are not regulated and the people that respond to your children are not always going to respond from a regulated place. So the times that you are not emotionally regulated is a chance for your children to learn what it's like to have someone love them and still make mistakes. Have someone that loves them not be perfectly regulated, and then they can learn by your example how to move forward from that. Most people your children encounter in life will not be emotionally regulated and respond with gentle parenting style scripts. I can think back to a couple times where I lost it like through an adult temper tantrum. My children do remember those times. They remember them and I'm okay with that, because I quickly apologized and we moved forward. It helped them realize that I'm also human, that I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be, that sometimes I will respond in ways I'm not proud of and that sometimes they will do the same, and then we model how to move forward from that. And this ties into one of the biggest lessons that if I could go back and talk to younger me, I would tell myself.
Speaker 1:Number four is that your imperfections as a mother are a gift. By being imperfect and letting your kids see that you are imperfect, you allow them to not be perfect. Kids learn resilience by making mistakes, by not being perfect and recovering, and the way they learn that skill is through their own practice and through the modeling of their parents. We need to model not being perfect. Our kids learn to communicate by experiencing healthy communication and they learn how to recover from not being perfect by those around them. Modeling not being perfect and the good thing is, perfection is impossible. So you are probably already modeling not being perfect and that is a gift to your children, because every time you're not perfect and you either apologize and you recover, or you bounce back and find a way to move forward. You are showing your children that the person that they love most in this world one of the people they love most in this world is an example of resilience, is an example of falling down and getting back up, and therefore they can do that too, and even if they mess up or make mistakes, they are still lovable, because they still love you when you're not perfect. Everything you are for your children and everything you are not is shaping them in ways they need. Even your failings as a mother help your children learn that they don't have to be perfect. We think that the greatest gift we give our children is being as close to perfect of a mother as we can be, but the greatest gift we give our children is a real mom who has great days and rough days and still moves forward. If we give our children the illusion of perfection, the illusion of always being happy, the illusion of always being regulated, we tell them that that is what they must become to be a worthy human being, to be a lovable human being, and I can tell you, now that I am a mom of older kids that our relationships are really good and healthy, and I believe a lot of that is because I stopped trying to hold myself to a standard of perfection, I stopped letting guilt run the show as a mother and I just started being real. I let my mistakes be my mistakes. I let my joy be my joy. Number four is that your imperfections are a gift and when you zoom out on parenting, you remember you're not just raising kids, you're raising adults. Your children will have an adult relationship with you longer than a childhood relationship with you. So the number five thing I would remind myself or tell myself who will become adults, keep the end game in mind Resilience, kindness, patience, hard work, perseverance, confidence.
Speaker 1:Parenting isn't removing obstacles. It's preparing your children to handle obstacles. Sometimes letting them struggle is the best gift you can give them. It is hard when your child is struggling, but it is better that they struggle while you are there as support, as a cheerleader, as someone to help guide them, than down the road when you are not there. There's a couple examples here. You can think of the baby bird getting out of its shell. You are not supposed to help a chick break out of its shell, because it needs that experience to build the strength it needs to survive. And although it's so cute and you just want to help, you can't. You can't because your help robs the baby chick of its ability to survive. It feels so counterintuitive as a mother. This baby is born and it needs you for everything, but then, as time goes on, you have to step back and let them fail and struggle while you are there to support.
Speaker 1:I've shared this story before on a past podcast, but there came a time where one of our daughters had to learn how to cut an apple. We had given her all the tools, fingers out of the way. We gave her a sharp knife. Cut straight down. As long as your fingers are out of the way, you'll be fine. And then when you turn it now, it's flat. So the first cut when you're cutting an apple is the hardest right, because it's kind of wobbly still, and our daughter cut herself, I believe, three different times. Now she can cut an apple with ease. But imagine had we not let her struggle? We were there for guidance. We were there for bandages. We were there for guidance. We were there for bandages. We were there to help rinse it off. Imagine how we not allowed her to struggle now and then she goes to college and grabs a huge knife or the wrong size knife to cut an apple and now it's a major wound and nobody's there to help, besides some other college age kids who don't know what they're doing either. Allow your children to struggle in the safety of the environment that you've created for them, and there will be injuries and there will be heartbreak and there will be failing, and then help them recover because you're there for that. This is the very small finite window in which you will be there to help them recover from the failings and the mistakes and the cuts and the bruises.
Speaker 1:Part of raising capable adults means including them in the family team. The sixth thing I would tell myself is that your family is a team. Doing everything yourself helps no one. It just breeds burnout. Studies show that kids that have responsibility in their homes are happier. They feel more capable, and if you teach chores as early as you can, that creates confidence in your children, it creates teamwork in your home and then for you the mom yourself, and for your children, it creates less stress later.
Speaker 1:So when our children were younger, I believe that the more I did for them, the more I was helping and loving them, and in the beginning of their life. Yes, you do everything for your child. You have to. That is part of being a parent early on. But as time goes on, part of parenting is raising a human that can handle themselves, and that includes them gaining the skills that they need. And as a mom now of a 17-year-old, had I waited to begin to teach her these skills in high school, she would be very overwhelmed. She would have so much on her plate to learn. But we've hit the point where I can say clean the kitchen to any of my three children. I still have a list for them of what that entails and they can do it pretty close to my standard, or at my standard of what a clean kitchen is.
Speaker 1:Now, in the beginning it wasn't like that. It's been this slow growth and in the beginning they were so slow at their chores, they were inefficient and they were not good at any of the chores really, and as time's gone on they've gotten better and more efficient. So when they leave the house they're going to be efficient at their chores, they're going to know what they're doing and they're not going to have to waste their young adulthood trying to figure things out or just ignoring them. I am so grateful to younger me because somewhere along the line, younger me, younger mom me, realized that I could do the chores for the rest of my children's childhood, or I could begin to teach them the skills they needed so that we could be a team and all of us have less burnout and all of us have more skills. I also don't want to discount my husband here. He contributes to the chores equally.
Speaker 1:All that said, I can tell you now that the struggle of teaching my kids to load the dishwasher and wash big dishes and do their laundry and vacuum and dust and organize and wipe down counters and clean the stove and clean the fronts of cabinets, clean their bathrooms, all of the time it took to teach each of those individual skills and the time it took for them to become good at those skills all of that has paid off now. If one of us has a party or people coming over, we can divide and conquer and we can do it pretty quickly. It's amazing we have a team of five of us and it's never just all on me. I'm so grateful to past me for figuring that out and being willing to put in the work to teach my kids chores, because now current me is benefiting and our whole family benefits when we are a team.
Speaker 1:And on the note of chores, the last thing I would tell myself and I still am reminding myself this now is that messes are forever. My children are older now and I can tell you that messes are forever. But especially when your children are younger, it's just mess after mess and it seems like your house will never be clean. And guess what Besides, maybe right before a birthday party where you've worked for hours and hours to get the house clean, it will probably never be clean all at one time. It's going to be very rare that your whole house is clean, so let it go. If you aim for quote unquote done, you'll always feel behind. So here's one of my strategies Set a timer, 10, 15 minutes, clean up some mess and then let the rest go, because no amount of your cleaning is going to get rid of all the messes.
Speaker 1:I'm up here in this room this room is picked up because not very many people are in this room but there's literally an ice cream sandwich wrapper right there that someone ate and left it there, and my kids do chores and my kids know that's not what we do and that still happens. I mean, let's be honest, moms. How does your side of the bathroom sink look? Some of you all might be like it's great and some of you might be like, oh yeah, it's embarrassing. We are humans, we are messy and guess what? It's okay. There's no point in you spending day after day after day to try to get your house mess free and spotless. To try to get your house mess-free and spotless. Just do your best and then move forward and live your life. Is it a better investment of your time to clean for three hours or to clean for an hour and do something you love for 30 minutes? I also do acknowledge that sometimes cleaning makes you feel really good, so that's real too. This is not an either or situation. It's understanding that nothing in parenting is perfect, nothing in life is perfect, and messes are part of life With kids, without kids. Worse with kids, but better with kids if you can teach them chores. But messes are forever.
Speaker 1:My last piece of encouragement is this For all my mamas out there remember you don't need to be a perfect mom. Your children just want you present. They care more about the vibe of their home than having a perfect home. Do things you love, because you deserve to enjoy your life too. Give yourself breaks without guilt. Show your kids emotions and that you are not perfect and when you mess up or make a mistake, show them how to repair and recover. Raise them with the end goal in mind. Future adults who are resilient, hardworking and kind Work together as a family team. The teamwork bonds you build now will pay off in future years. And remember the mess will always be there, but the moments with your kids won't. You are exactly who your children need you to be. Give yourself more grace and less guilt. Give yourself time to do things you love and enjoy, because you deserve to enjoy your life too, and enjoy your time as a mama and as you just being you, and I'll talk to you next week. Bye, y'all.